Maternity Hospital

Have I mentioned yet that me and my siblings (Eliza, Shannah, Wendy, Shane, Linnea) played some crazy games when we were little?  Once, my cousins were over, (Ashley, Isaac, Anna) and we decided to play maternity hospital.  Except there was once hitch.  We didn't want to just have a baby and leave.  So, we had a weird clinic where you had to come to the hospital once you found out you were pregnant, and you could leave when the baby turned two.  So, we found a nice little grassy area with trees placed in a line about 15 feet apart each.  We then placed a porch swing at the front of the line between two of the trees, and that was the receptionist's desk.  Now, what to do about rooms?  We took several snow sleds and horse blankets from the barn, and lots of sheets, blankets, and pillowcases from the house.  Then, we placed a sled at the bottom of each tree, and made the "bed" (which was the sled) with a horse blanket or two for a mattress, and blankets and sheets for....blankets and sheets.  The pillowcases were used to make a bunch of scraggly elementary school girls look pregnant.  I was the receptionist, ultrasound lady, doctor, nurse, surgeon, doula, midwife, maintenance man, laundry lady, maid, and counselor. 
Whew.  Each of the 5 girls playing (except me) were taken to their rooms, and I had a nice stack of baby dolls behind an unoccupied tree, just waiting until someone went into labor.  I bustled around, checking on women, then, alas, Ashley had a contraction!  I ran to her room, and said, "Ash, how far apart are your contractions?!"  The eight-year-old looked rather confused, and said, "Well, there's one here *points to elbow*, and one here *points to heel*. "  I heard a scream from the bed next to Ash.  Uh oh.  Shannah.  The  also eight year old looks at me and says, "HELP!  MY CONTRACTIONS ARE 3 INCHES APART!"  Panic swells the room as Anna, Wendy, and Liza all chime in about their various thumb contractions.  Shannah didn't know how to act like she was in labor, so she just sat halfway up and proceeded to have a seizure, screaming the whole time like here arms were being torn from her body.  Ahhh, drama.  They finally finished labor in about 10 minutes, so I went to distribute babies.  I looked behind me.  Uh oh.  The proud mothers all stopped, stared in shock, then started screaming.  You see, in all the laboring confusion, I did not keep an eye on the plastic dolls.  But someone else did.  The horrid sight before our eyes was Shane and Isaac, ages 6 and 4, running away with about 5 dolls tied by the feet to a stick they carried across their shoulders, yelling, "Hey, Isaac, let's go make soup!  HA HA HA!"
*Lots of screaming and yelling and laughing*.

Weird Things I Should Not Have Had To Say While Babysitting

1. Don't swing that croquet mallet at your brother's head!
2. Stop eating the grass!  You aren't really a horse!
3. Don't forget to get your doll out of the tree.
4. Put shoes on before you walk in the manure!
5. Hey!  Stop injecting air through a bike pump into the VCR!
6. No, we can NOT eat marshmallows for dinner.
7. I told you once, I told you a million times, do not hit your sister with a metal meter stick!
8. Hello, Mom, we have to take Wendy to the E.R. because Shane hit her with an air compressor hose. 
9. No, 6 year old boy, you may not drive the riding lawn mower around the puppy- and sister-filled yard.
10. Get your clothes back on, mister!  I have a video camera rolling!
11. No, darling 10 year old, you may NOT streak in the middle of January!
12. Alright, four and six year olds, strip down on the porch, run to the bathroom, and I will be in to turn the shower on cold in a moment.  You will also be scrubbing the floor later.  This will teach you not to swim in mud puddles. 
13. Never ever throw snowballs at 1800 pound bulls again, young lady!
14. Chickens are livestock, not toys.

Emergency Rooms

I do not like emergency rooms.  I was in one Sunday night, for intense pain that turned out to be and intestinal wall infection, swollen lymph nodes, and an inflamed colon.  (By the way, two of my grandparents died from colon problems. Good to know).

Anyway, I got there, and the first thing they did was stick an IV in me.  Ick.  That was probably the most painful thing of all.  Emergency rooms are cold, white, and uncomfortable.  Lots of scary-looking appliances laying around.  Some people are claustrophobic, I have a weird fear of being tied to things.  Being attached to the IV thing was not good for me.  They then took me to a green room with other scary machines.  The smiling nurse with a name tag  that said "Deb" on it said "Alright, drop your pants to your knees."  Just like it was the most normal thing in the world.  I looked at her and said "Pardon?" "Just drop your pants, sweetheart." 

Sweetheart.  Humph.  Yeah, right.  I did what she said, laid on the table, and she placed a white cloth on me.  I immediately felt like I was getting an autopsy.  It is not a good feeling.  I focused on the sign above my head which had two little green men on it.  One had its mouth open very very wide, and the other had its mouth shut and its cheeks puffed out.  I observed them for a few moments.  Then I heard Deb in the background. "You'll have to hold your breath for about 20 seconds.  It is very important."  I panicked, already being a little thrown off from the pain.  I had several practice rounds, then she said, "Here is the real thing".   My bed went up about four feet, then started to go through a large tube, my feet first.  A bunch of machinery started going, and making lots of noise, and I went through the tunnel.  I heard an electronic voice say, "Breathe" then "Hold your breath". 

I did so accordingly.  The little green men on the sign lit up respectively. 

I was told this was a CAT scan, then the pain was so bad that I got wheeled back to my scary white cold room.

The doctor was gone for about an hour, while I sat in absolute boredom.  When he got back, he said, (He was Nigerian, so he couldn't speak English terribly well) "You do not have to go to Duluth, or have surgery, we think it is your colon and such, or it might be muusle spasms."  Yes, I know I spelled muscle wrong, but I spelled it how he pronounced it.  ( :  Moosles, huh?